Fw: Happy Thanksgiving
csimmons "at" acm.org
Fri, 17 Nov 2000 18:32:25 +0000
Good for a chuckle...
> Subject: Happy Thanksgiving
> My Dear Guests;
> Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm
> telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart
> won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
> Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.
> After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done,
> rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
> Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated
> with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make.
> Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them
> track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their
> The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy
> china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match
> and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS thanksgiving, we will
> from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from
> Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that
> I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
> hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me
> it is a turkey.
> We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you
> while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice
> comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey
> Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon
> discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
> As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of
> tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a
> recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds
> suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They
> are lying.
> We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the
> start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional
> method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When
> the smoke
> alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.
> In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a
> separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
> Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey
> in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be
> happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved
> in a
> private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any
> enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting
> children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey
> unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we
> will eat.
> I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that
> "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to
> bean your brother in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one
> reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially
> while in the
> presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its
> lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you
> regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.
> Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a
> choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving
> the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
> fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.
> Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She
> probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.
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