Fw: Happy Thanksgiving

Chuck Simmons csimmons "at" acm.org
Fri, 17 Nov 2000 18:32:25 +0000

Good for a chuckle...

> Subject: Happy Thanksgiving
> My Dear Guests;
>  Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm
>  telling you  in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart  
> won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
>  Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag  luminaries.
>  After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, 
> rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
>  Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated
>  with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make.
>  Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them
> track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their
> idea.
>  The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy
>  china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match  
> and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS thanksgiving, we will
> refrain 
> from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from
> last
> Christmas.
>  Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that
>  I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
>  hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me
>  it is a turkey.
>  We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you
>  while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice 
> comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey
> hotline.
> Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00  a.m. upon
>  discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
>  As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of
>  tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a
>  recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds 
> suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.  They
> are lying.
>  We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the
>  start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional 
> method.  We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When
> the smoke
>  alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.
>  In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a
>  separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
>  Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person  carving a turkey
>  in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be 
> happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved
> in a 
> private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any
> circumstances,
>  enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting 
> children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey
> is
>  unarmed.  It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we
> will eat.
>  I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners  that
>  "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to
>  bean your brother in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one 
> reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially
> while  in the
>  presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its
>  lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce.  If a young diner questions you
>  regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.
>  Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a
>  choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving 
> the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
>  fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.
>  Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She
>  probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.
> ************************************************************************
> ****
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